Monday, December 8, 2014

Currently + Pregnancy Hormones

**word heavy post**

As of the last week or two, emotions have gotten the best of me. In an uncontrollable way. Yes, I can blame it on all the pregnancy hormones. However, the truth is that I've got a lot more on my plate than just that.
 
I'm not looking for a pity party by any means... this is just my place to express my feelings, get some things on my mind off my chest, document what's been going on, and possilbly get some advice/support from my blogging friends. I try to keep it real 'round here, so I apologize for being a "Debbie Downer" at the moment. I promise, I won't let "Debbie" linger around too long. :-)

First and foremost, I must say that my husband has been quite tolerable of my crazyness and I appreciate him for being there for me through all of it. I'll admit, I've jumped down his throat a time or two lately, and he always forgives me. I'm so thankful for him. I litereally do not know what I would do without him. ♥ {even though it's mostly his fault I have all these pregnany emotions...ha!}

Truth is... maybe I'm too hard on myself. Maybe I expect too much of myself. Maybe I run myself on borrowed time. Maybe I try too hard to be the best wife, sister, daughter, friend, and employee I can be. I've realized one things for sure - I have too way much on my plate.

Then add some pregnancy hormones and a couple bad days to the mix and shit really hits the fan.

Post meltdown #1. Look at that third eye {belly button}. And the furbabies connected to my arse.

Meltdown #1 Everyday - I don't have a husband that comes home on a daily basis after work. {If you do, don't take it for granted}. My husband comes home two days a week. The rest of the week, it's just me and the dogs {and lots of guns so don't any internet stalkers get any ideas!}. Soon I'll be adding a baby to that mix. Another thing to take care of all by myself. Another thing that Michael will be missing out on. And I can't help but worry that I won't be good enough raising a baby on my own 90% of the time. Not to mention that it upsets me that I do most things by myself, I don't have someone to eat dinner with, share house duties with, go to the grocery store with, take turns taking the dogs to the vet, etc. Most importantly - Michael doesn't get to experience this whole pregnancy thing on a daily basis with me. He doesn't get to see my belly grow or change or feel her move on a daily basis. Instead, it's a weekly basis. And at this rate, a lot changes in one week!

Meltdown #1 - I believe I have formed a stretch mark. I say "believe" because it's kind of hard to see over my mounds of boobs to see very clearly. And it's hard to see in the mirror. I have tried to do everything possible to avoid getting stretch marks - lotion 2-3 times a day and drink lots of water. So it just really upset me that I have 16 weeks left and it's not a good sign if I'm already getting them. So I cried for 45 minutes with no control to stop. It's like the tears were just flooooowing. Michael reassured me that he will still love me anyways. My Mom told me that I'm ridiculous.

Meltdown #2 - Fly Drive an hour and a half to the Dr. Trying to refrain from any more crying. Arrive at appointment 15 minutes late {due to meltdown #1 holdup}. Receptionist informs me that the Dr. is out of the office due to an emergency delivery so it may be a while. Greaaaaat. Mind you, it's not even 10am yet. Get in to see Dr. and first things first - weigh in. Can't there be an opt out form for that?! Argh! Weight gain officially 20lbs exactly. Need I say more?! Bang head here.

Meltdown #3 - I know I'm pregnant. I know I'm supposed to gain weight. I know there are women who gain 40+lbs. I know, I know, I know. However... that does not mean I will not have a meltdown after I leave the Dr. because of said above weight gain. I thought I was doing so well! But seriously... I have 16 weeks left... at this rate, I'm going to be a hefer! Or should I say Zebra, due to the stretch marks?! I know it's worth it for the baby... but it's still hard to adjust to so many changes at once. And yes, I do care about my body and I want to be able to work it back off without going on some insane diet plan.

Meltdown #4 - My intentions for the remainder of the afternoon was to relax. Do some Christmas Shopping and work on our baby registry. Since I was already driving half way there, I might as well drive the other house since I had to pick up the nursery furniture anyways. Did I mention that my husband isn't home during the week to help me do these things?! Gosh, it's such a pain in the ass to have so much to do and I'm the only one that's able to go do it! Needless to say, at the rate my day was going that particular day, I was running way behind schedule. By time I got to Babies R Us, I said forget the registry just give me the damn furniture and I'll be on my merry way 2 hours home.

So I go outside to pull the pickup around. Mind you I now had to lay in the back of the truck bed to try to figure out how the hell to get the tunnel cover off and move all the other crap Michael had back there. After blowing up Michael's phone for help, and of course he makes it sound so easy over the phone, I am now even more ticked off because I want to know why the hell this wasn't already taken off  and why this is just one more thing I'm expected to do?! To top that off, two ladies come out hauling this furniture. Kudos to them for man handling these boxes into the pickup. However, between the two of them and myself, we weren't quite able to strap the boxes down. And there wasn't one single man working there to come help.

At this point, I'm really fed up. So I call Michael to see how far away he is working since I am down in the city and he works in the city. Luckily, he's only 17 miles away. Perfect, I can meet with him on his way home from work and he can strap this stuff down. Oh, your going to the bar after work?! Lovely. Guess I will be showing up at said bar and you can come out to strap this down so I can get driving 2 hours home. Due to traffic, 45 minutes later and an anxiety attack later due to one of the boxes hanging halfway out the side of the truck - I finally get to this damn place he's at. It is now after 6pm. I have a 2 hour 45 minute drive home and I need to call someone to move this furniture into the house.

By time I leave Michael, I'm in even more of a meltdown stage. Why do I have to do all these things alone? Now I have to hope someone can come over this late at night and move this furniture because my husband doesn't come home from work on a daily basis. Which leads to a whole other emotion on that subject. Not to mention that sometimes, living in the middle of no where really stinks. All I wanted was to be home and go to bed.

Meltdown #5 - We haven't owned the pickup for a month and it is in the shop due to a transmission/check engine issue. So of course here's me who knows nothing about a damn diesel truck and it starts acting up - to the extent that I couldn't drive more than 40 mph - and I knew I needed to take it into the dealership because it's under warranty. In the meantime, I'm blowing up Michael's phone and he of course is at work and can't answer. Until then, I reamed the service manager at the dealership a new asshole. {For good reasons} Then Michael calls me after I leave there and tells me what I should have said/done and that they should have made an appointment to look at it further. So of course I flip a lid because I DON'T KNOW THESE THINGS! Why do I have to make decisions and deal with EVERYTHING on my own?! So I make him call the dealership back... he again reams the service manager a new one. And then I looked up a different dealership to take the truck to because I'm sure as hell not taking it back to those idiots! Not to mention they probably think know the Joy's are crazy people now!

Long story short, just one more damn thing I needed to do was schedule an appointment to take the truck in. The morning I had to do that I was miserable because I had to leave the house 45 minutes earlier than normal. Then I get there and they give me a piece of crap loaner vehicle that smells like cigarette smoke/mildew. Barf. Once again, thanks for the pregnancy hormones for all the above, it was meltdown within meltdown. And every day I have to drive that damn car I have another meltdown. I just want my pretty truck back! Stat!

A few other things that have been weighing on my mind...

- Work. My employer purchased another institution and we are merging next spring. While I am thankful for still having a job once the merge is complete, I am however disappointed that I am taking a slight demotion. Which now has me thinking about my future after having the baby. I haven't really stressed about it, but it's definitely in the back of my mind.

- Home. With my emotions getting the best of me and not having Michael around much, I am really starting to think about our next move in life. It's not looking like Michael will get a transfer closer to home in any time soon. And really, the "closest" place to home he's going to get is still going to be an 1 1/2 - 2 hour drive a day. That's the downfall of living in the middle of no where. So we've kind of been talking about where we may like to raise a family. What I will do about work. What about our first house?! This property that we just bought last year... it's a lot to think about. Again, I try not to stress about it, but it's on my mind a lot.

- Finances. Michael is getting laid off for an undetermined length of time over the winter. This does make me VERY happy to have him home! Although, financially, we can't live off the unemployment checks. I've been trying to get a couple months ahead on bills but that didn't work out as well as planned due to purchasing a new truck and a few other things that came up. So far we should be okay until February. Hopefully he's not laid off too much longer than that....
____________________________________________________________

After a buildup of emotions and meltdowns last week, it was nice to have a "refreshing" weekend with just Michael and I. I'm glad he doesn't think I'm crazy for feeling the way I have been. We are both on the same page as far as making some changes with our "living" situation once the baby gets here because he doesn't want to be missing out on her life and he sure doesn't want me over exerting myself.

As far as my personal emotions with my weight, I've just got to quit being so hard on myself and stop stressing out about it. I'm doing the best I can do and that's all that matters.

My goal is to take a step back and reflect on what's important - I have a very hard working husband that I would be lost without, I am extremely thankful for being able to experience this pregnancy and bringing a little human into this world, I have a job, lots of loving friends and family, and most importantly, I am healthy!

So in addition to all the meltdowns, the only things we have had going on around here as of the past weekend is the furniture for the nursery has been set up! Now we've just got to decide on the bedding and paint!

 ♥♥ Highlight of the weekend: The hubs felt the baby kicking for the first time and Sunday he watched my belly moving as she danced all around in there! ♥♥

Jack boy and I watching the hubs set up the furniture

Not only did Michael get to feel and see the baby kick for the first time, but so did Sandy girl! She was snoozing away on my belly and the baby was just kicking away! ♥
 
Thanks for sticking through all that if you did!
 
Here's to a fresh start of emotions! ♥
 
 

12 comments:

  1. OH sweet lady, I'm so so so sorry. I'm so sorry you're stressed and your husband can't be home more. I can only imagine how hard that is, just as a wife, not to mention adding hormones to the picture. Those things are just nuts, stupid pregnancy hormones.

    I've never been pregnant, but I don't know a single female that didn't stress about gaining the elbees. Even though you know it's for the baby, it's still on your body and not fun to see the scale inch forward.

    I'm sending you hugs and sparkles and prayers, friend!!!

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  2. Girl! All of your feelings are totally warranted. We all spread ourselves too thin sometimes and it can be hard to prioritize. I know we are in a similar boat with building a house and trying to get pregnant and the holidays and so much more! I totally understand where you're coming from with the finances, Joe gets laid off during the winter months too and it can be such a struggle.

    I hope writing it all out helps you feel a little bit better! And I'm sure, like you said, you'll get some great advice from your fellow bloggers!! And once baby girl is here all of this will wash away from the happiness you'll experience!

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  3. Oh girl I'm so sorry that you're going through all of these but all your meltdowns are totally warranted and you should never feel bad for feeling that way!!! You have a sweet baby growing inside of you that is going to be so lucky to have you both as parents!! xo

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  4. Bestest blog friend....oh my word this is so much worse than what you hinted at last night via text and now I'm upset I didn't offer a better outlet for at least venting. After reading this (entire) post I can see just how much we really are a like in SO many ways (even with how we deal with things) I'm seriously thinking in my head though, stress aside, that you got this. You are such a strong woman and you will make this work. Also, about this moving, etc. maaaaayybe something will work out in his favor job wise that doesn't require uprooting your life after baby and if you do have to uproot I'm voting VA!! :) Like I said last night you can talk to me ANY time (even if we just cry and bitch and moan to each other for support hahaha) I love youuuu!!! Oh and you know what else? That furniture is f-ing perfect and you go mama for getting it loaded AND home! Let me know if you need anything! xoxo

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  5. My sweet friend - I'm sorry you've been having some rough days!! :( I would be stressing about the same things you are, so don't feel bad about venting! I know how it feels to have your man gone so much - Aaron travels almost every week for work and there are some weeks he leaves Monday am and doesn't get back until Friday pm - so I know what you mean about how hard it is to get everything done on your own, and how adding babe to the mix will bring more responsibilities...but you got this!! Things have a way of working themselves out and you are going to be such an amazing mama! :) Take a deep breath and maybe take some time this week or weekend to have some time for yourself - bubble bath, pedicure, something relaxing!! You deserve it :) xx

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  6. Sending you so much love. Seriously you are such a strong woman who literally tackles the world and sometimes it would just be nice not to have to do everything I totally get it. Don't beat yourself up about weight gain you are doing amazing and look absolutely gorgeous. If there is anyway I can help please let me know!

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  7. I related to this SO much! My husband travels for work. Most of this is fluff...but this is a post I wrote on it: http://sassysouthernbride.blogspot.com/2013/06/when-your-partner-is-long-distance-or.html
    I SWEAR the darndest things happen when my husband is gone. If something is going to happen or something has to break, it will usually be when I am alone. Murphy's Law, right?

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  8. oh honey :( big hugs. you have so much on your plate, no wonder you are stressed! you have got to be easier on yourself, in every aspect! you are going to be an amazing mother, duh! i'm sorry you've been having a tough time, i hope it gets better!!

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  9. Oh sweetie, you are not crazy, these emotions we have all felt! Give yourself a break, you have a LOT going on right now! I would have been a wreck if I didn't have my husband, so you are already way ahead of a lot of us, lol!

    I totally get the body thing, that was hands down the hardest part for me. I watched everything I ate, exercised and still gained 30-35 pounds with all 3 of my girls. I lost the majority of the baby weight within 6 months, but took about a year to really be back to "normal" (if there is such a thing). The stretch marks fade, I have them and still look decent in a bikini:) Just remember, you are doing awesome!!!

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  10. Oh girl... I am so SO sorry you are going through all of this! I can't even imagine how difficult it must be not having your husband come home every night. I know if I was in your situation I'd be feeling the EXACT same way. You are entitled to as many meltdowns as you want, especially while pregnant. You look absolutely amazing! You are all belly (and boobs) so trust me, you don't look anything like a heifer or zebra! 20 lbs probably seems like the end of the world but I bet you lose it SO fast! Don't stress about it at all, you look amazing, you're young and your body is going to bounce back! You are totally rocking pregnancy girl!

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  11. Girl, I'm so sorry you have so much on your plate! You are SO strong to be able to handle all that! I would just completely shut down. I hope things start getting less stressful and as for the weight, I can't blame you for worrying about it. I'm not even pregnant and already worry about how much I will gain when if I do get pregnant. But the furniture looks awesome!

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  12. Hooray for honesty! I'm at 24 weeks and I'm getting those tell-tale marks on the sides of my hips. I'm incredibly upset and down on myself for it but I realize there isn't much I can do other than continue with the creams. I'm jealous over your "mounds of boobs", mine are bigger but I can certainly see over them. And it is very difficult to see yourself gain weight, that number on the scale is creeping up and all the layers I'm putting on to keep warm are just making me look bigger. I keep telling myself that I'm okay as long as she is healthy but those feelings are still there.

    I love your furniture, you are so much further along with your nursery than we are. And don't worry about the meltdowns, people forgive pregnant women fairly quickly. I'm an angry pregnant woman, not crying or emotional, just easily agitated. I'm not that way normally but the smallest things set me off now. Blame. the. hormones.

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