Wednesday, August 26, 2015

The truth is...

I have a lot of things weighing on my mind and shoulders lately and I need to dig myself out of this rut. I know I should be talking about things to be thankful for rather than pointing out the negatives because my life is certainly nothing less than blessed (loving husband & family, house over my head, healthy baby girl, etc). However, I have been feeling like I have more bad days than good ones for the past two months (basically ever since I went back to work). I find myself having a hard time being positive alllll the time. I'm upset, mad, annoyed, or crying almost on a daily basis. I'm assuming that since I'm breast feeding, the hormones are still getting the best of me. But that's still no excuse.

I'm not throwing a pitty party for myself... I'm just venting and sharing what life is really like sometimes. And let's face it - it's not always full of picture perfect happy days like I usually share here or on social media. I know I can't be the only one who goes through rough times like this... but  please excuse my honesty...

The biggest problem - work.

I honestly don't know how working Mom's let alone single Mom's do it. I seriously struggle on a daily basis to get up for work and make it out the door on time without feeling completely overwhelmed. Not to mention that once I get to work, the stress just piles on my shoulders. The customers, the "new" coworkers, the recent office merge, the new (longer) hours, the do lists, the pay, the expectations, the drama, the rude customers, the rushing to pump before I explode, the measly paycheck that I get after paying for daycare and fuel all week, the fact that someone else gets to spend the entire day with my baby, and most importantly - my time at home is limited to what feels like nothing. These new hours the last 2 weeks have only made my emotions about being a working mom worse. The longer days means more time away from Remington. The anxiety and emotions I am feeling on a daily basis are beginning to pile up and I just want to crawl in a hole. I used to enjoy working and I used to enjoy what I do. When we discussed being a working mom vs. a SAHM, I said that I didn't think I could be a SAHM because I've always worked and enjoyed it. Well, I guess things change. My desire to be a SAHM has grown stronger since the day Remington was born. We actually had a plan that I was going to resign and take on the new job of being a Mom full time. We even had a date in mind that I would go back to work until. Well that date has came and gone. We aren't certain that we can financially afford it. Yet, the burden of me working is probably bigger than the income I am contributing to our lives.

The second biggest problem - my husband working away from home.

This is where the feeling of a single mother comes in and it is beyond frustrating. I don't have someone to help me make dinner (or eat dinner with for that matter), clean house, take care of Remington, take care of the dogs, take turns waking up with Remington, get the diaper bag ready, get bottles ready, wash bottles, do laundry, go grocery shopping, or simply just to sit on the couch and have a conversation with after a long day. I'm starting to lose faith that we will ever sell our house and be able to move where we can "live" together like most families do. The moment that Michael gets home for the weekend I feel an instant relief off my shoulders the second he walks in the door. I just can't wait for the day that he gets to come home every single night and maybe I won't feel so overwhelmed all the time. It's always been tough to live this lifestyle and I knew it would be tough once we had the baby, however it has turned out to be a bigger challenge than I could ever imagine.

The next probelm - lack of sleep.

I envy those who get a good night of sleep. Remington is still waking up every 2-3 hours. Every. Single. Night. There has been spurts where she sleeps for 4-6 hours at a time however that's pretty much only when Michael is home. I nixed one pumping session in the middle of the night in attempt to get more sleep due to less time being awake in the middle of the night. My supply has decreased immensely ever since I went back to work anyways. The worst part of our sleep routine is when she wakes up at 4-4:30am and then by time she eats, and I fall back asleep, it seems like it's 5:30am and my alarm is going off as fast as I could blink. So basically, I start my day off exhausted and then the emotions are just icing on the cake.

I try to see the positive in everything. I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason. I've always tried to be strong and not let it show when I'm down. I'm not a quitter even though I feel like a complete failure right now. I do count my blessings often. But... I'm loosing energy, positivity, and strength. I'm losing hope that it will get better. I'm stuck in a rut and I need to get out of it. Something has to change... So I'm starting here with getting it off my chest (even though I rant every day to my Mom and Greg and Michael as it is). Maybe some of my fellow Mom friend's have some suggestions. Or maybe if your reading this, you can just say a prayer for our family. ♥


13 comments:

  1. Julie, every.single.mom has felt the way you are feeling right now! And if some haven't, they are lying:) I remember when Rachel was a baby I got more into a groove around the 2 month mark, but the desire to be home NEVER left. I felt the exact same way that you are feeling. I quit my job when she was 10 months old and decided to do daycare. I did it for 11 years and it was SO worth it! Yes I was still stressed, tired, but I was home with my kids. There is always a way to stay home, I am a firm believer in that. However you might have to make some big sacrifices to do that. I will be praying!

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  2. I'm so sorry that you're struggling like this. :/ I can't imagine what this kind of transition is like. You're strong. Idk that I could do it. I have faith in you, though! :)

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  3. I'm so sorry you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed my friend :( I don't know what it's like to be juggling a newborn and working - but I can imagine how difficult it is and the lack of sleep and help just adds to it! I know what it's like to be holding down the fort all by yourself during the week - Aaron travels almost every week for at least 3-5 days - and taking care of the cleaning, cooking, dogs...on top of working and school is enough to drive me mad! I NEVER feel on top of things. I can't imagine adding a baby to the mix right now, and you've got that extra added factor by yourself right now. I guess I just want you to know you aren't alone and don't ever feel bad about venting! Is your company flexible or understand of work/life balance? Would they let you work from home a couple days a week until Rem is older?? Just brainstorming... Keep your head up, it'll get better!! xx

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  4. Gosh I hate all of this for you! It took me a good while to find my groove and feel like I had a handle on being a working mom. I'm still trying to figure it out some days since my house is a wreck. Doing the "kind of single mom" thing is tough for me and I only do it 3 days a week so I can't imagine how it must be for you. The thing that helped me the most was doing as much as I could the night before as far as bottle prep and the diaper bag. I made sure to have enough bottles that I didn't have to wash them every single day. I washed them by hand because our dishwasher sucks. I even let pump parts slide every once in a while. Milk is good in the fridge for 5-7 days, so washing them every other day is totally fine in my book. And finally, if we were looking to move to Michigan, I would totally buy your house! I know Danny would love it!

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  5. So so sorry that you're struggling right now.. First of all, it is impossible to be positive all the time, it just can't happen, even someone as positive as myself and as positive as you cannot be positive 100% of the time. It's just not going to happen. I Joe you can get your house sold, it sounds like that would help resolve a lot of issues, then you could probably continue working because at least you'd have a helping hand at home. Take care! A good cry isn't a bad thing an can actually help you relieve some stress! Praying that your house sells and that you can turn things around!

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  6. Love your honesty! Love that you keep it real on your blog. I am praying for you and your family and sending tons of good vibes your way. Hang in there girl! You are doing a great job!! You have tons of people cheering you on and supporting you!

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  7. oh hon, so sorry to hear it. i know i'm not a mother so my words don't mean anything, but it really sounds like you need to get the heck out of that job. i hope you guys can sort something out because you deserve to be happy. no-one can be positive allll the time, but you shouldn't be this stressed all the time. hugs!

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  8. Julie, I have been where you are! My husband and I have 0 days off together and he gets up at 3:00am to go to work so he was no help to me in the middle of the night with a new born and then he was gone every morning so I had to get out the door with a newborn by myself. Most days started and ended in tears. It was a hard time and I think all mothers go thorugh it! Your not alone! What changed for me was that I prayed for guidence daily. I remember a few days being so frustrated with my non sleeping child that I dropped to my knees and prayed. It gets better I promise. It took me until he was about 3-4 months to figure it all out. You will get there too mama!

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  9. We are in a very similar boat but you know my situation. My paycheck never felt measly until I weighed it against the stress of working and mom guilt. I'll keep you in my prayers, I hope we can find our place either in or out of the workforce. I definitely think having your husband home help make your decision easier, mine is home and does help me but I still struggle daily.

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  10. Prayers for you, Julie (I mean it...right now!)...and just so you know, you're not alone. Many moms, myself included, have dealt with the very thing you expressed in this post. After my first, I just knew I'd love working, but my maternal instincts kicked in with a vengeance and I just couldn't be happy. I had to work for 2.5 more years, but God made a way. Even after having Joy, I struggled with baby blues...I'm told it's normal, but it just down right stinks. It's tough, but tough situations should continue to point us to the Savior and help us to see our need of Him. We can draw strength from the One that so graciously loves us and sacrificed His Son so that we might one day have no more struggles that this broken earth has to offer! Hallelujah for that!

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  11. I love the honesty you share in your posts, especially this one. I'm so sorry you are having a hard time and I hope you are able to come to a decision about work that will make you happy in the long run. While I know I'm not a parent yet, I can only imagine how tough it is to leave your child each day to go to work. Just love that sweet girl up as much as you can while you are home, and hopefully all of this is just temporary. Sending thoughts and prayers your way!!

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  12. I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time! I wish I had advice to give but I'm not much help in that area. I will be praying for you guys though! Praying things get easier very, very quickly! Keep your head up, pretty girl!

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  13. I am so sorry, I can imagine that it is overwhelming at times and hard to see the good even though it is surrounding you but I am confident that you'll get through it! I hope everything starts to get better soon, sending big hugs to you! Xo, Stephanie

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