I have a lot of things weighing on my mind and shoulders lately and I need to dig myself out of this rut. I know I should be talking about things to be thankful for rather than pointing out the negatives because my life is certainly nothing less than blessed (loving husband & family, house over my head, healthy baby girl, etc). However, I have been feeling like I have more bad days than good ones for the past two months (basically ever since I went back to work). I find myself having a hard time being positive alllll the time. I'm upset, mad, annoyed, or crying almost on a daily basis. I'm assuming that since I'm breast feeding, the hormones are still getting the best of me. But that's still no excuse.
I'm not throwing a pitty party for myself... I'm just venting and sharing what life is really like sometimes. And let's face it - it's not always full of picture perfect happy days like I usually share here or on social media. I know I can't be the only one who goes through rough times like this... but please excuse my honesty...
The biggest problem - work.
I honestly don't know how working Mom's let alone single Mom's do it. I seriously struggle on a daily basis to get up for work and make it out the door on time without feeling completely overwhelmed. Not to mention that once I get to work, the stress just piles on my shoulders. The customers, the "new" coworkers, the recent office merge, the new (longer) hours, the do lists, the pay, the expectations, the drama, the rude customers, the rushing to pump before I explode, the measly paycheck that I get after paying for daycare and fuel all week, the fact that someone else gets to spend the entire day with my baby, and most importantly - my time at home is limited to what feels like nothing. These new hours the last 2 weeks have only made my emotions about being a working mom worse. The longer days means more time away from Remington. The anxiety and emotions I am feeling on a daily basis are beginning to pile up and I just want to crawl in a hole. I used to enjoy working and I used to enjoy what I do. When we discussed being a working mom vs. a SAHM, I said that I didn't think I could be a SAHM because I've always worked and enjoyed it. Well, I guess things change. My desire to be a SAHM has grown stronger since the day Remington was born. We actually had a plan that I was going to resign and take on the new job of being a Mom full time. We even had a date in mind that I would go back to work until. Well that date has came and gone. We aren't certain that we can financially afford it. Yet, the burden of me working is probably bigger than the income I am contributing to our lives.
The second biggest problem - my husband working away from home.
This is where the feeling of a single mother comes in and it is beyond frustrating. I don't have someone to help me make dinner (or eat dinner with for that matter), clean house, take care of Remington, take care of the dogs, take turns waking up with Remington, get the diaper bag ready, get bottles ready, wash bottles, do laundry, go grocery shopping, or simply just to sit on the couch and have a conversation with after a long day. I'm starting to lose faith that we will ever sell our house and be able to move where we can "live" together like most families do. The moment that Michael gets home for the weekend I feel an instant relief off my shoulders the second he walks in the door. I just can't wait for the day that he gets to come home every single night and maybe I won't feel so overwhelmed all the time. It's always been tough to live this lifestyle and I knew it would be tough once we had the baby, however it has turned out to be a bigger challenge than I could ever imagine.
The next probelm - lack of sleep.
I envy those who get a good night of sleep. Remington is still waking up every 2-3 hours. Every. Single. Night. There has been spurts where she sleeps for 4-6 hours at a time however that's pretty much only when Michael is home. I nixed one pumping session in the middle of the night in attempt to get more sleep due to less time being awake in the middle of the night. My supply has decreased immensely ever since I went back to work anyways. The worst part of our sleep routine is when she wakes up at 4-4:30am and then by time she eats, and I fall back asleep, it seems like it's 5:30am and my alarm is going off as fast as I could blink. So basically, I start my day off exhausted and then the emotions are just icing on the cake.
I try to see the positive in everything. I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason. I've always tried to be strong and not let it show when I'm down. I'm not a quitter even though I feel like a complete failure right now. I do count my blessings often. But... I'm loosing energy, positivity, and strength. I'm losing hope that it will get better. I'm stuck in a rut and I need to get out of it. Something has to change... So I'm starting here with getting it off my chest (even though I rant every day to my Mom and Greg and Michael as it is). Maybe some of my fellow Mom friend's have some suggestions. Or maybe if your reading this, you can just say a prayer for our family. ♥